In A Daze

I sit here in a daze wondering how the New Year started out with such aspiration and positive thoughts and then sure enough, my world turned upside down.  As if there haven’t been enough struggles on the home front, we get handed more.  My marriage was dragged through hell and back and was finally coming up for air.  They say money can’t buy happiness but right now, I most definitely could prove that statement wrong.  I finally land the job I have been after for a decade and the joy of that has been sucked out from under me.  The economy and its ugliness has found its way into our home.  Two very hard working people are in a position right now that is just wrong.  Having to file chapter 7 bankruptcy has been a horrible blow to mine and serious guy’s egos.  Two people with great credit, pay their bills on time start to find that the credit cards aren’t playing by the rules anymore, add to that materials costs in a construction market that changes daily and leaves you eating the additional costs and lets not go into the $1200/month gas costs to drive out to the work.  It all became too darn much and we had to throw in the towel on our liquid debt. We see an attorney and are assured you file on liquid only and retain home and vehicles, gives you a fresh start and all is well.  Well?  Hmmmm that is until your attorney f*cks up your asset schedule and now you are facing losing the only vehicle you own.  You own it because you rolled it into your home equity loan the first time you tried to solve the credit card fiasco.  Figure you have the title in case of emergency you can sell it.  WRONG!  Now the state of PA owns all of our shit, even our savings account.  All the people that we have helped through the 19 years we have been married cannot possibly help out in any way.  We are not asking for handouts, we are asking for a loan.  I have helped out many people in my life even when I was in no position to do so.  I always tip people, am kind to people, send in contributions and volunteer the time I don’t even have but I do it because it is the right thing to do.  I suppose there are lessons to be learned here.  One I have learned is that the people who have next to nothing, will give you anything they can spare even if they can’t spare it but have been down the same road and do it anyway.  I do not want to take away from this experience that I need to become a tight ass.  It is against my nature.

I can tell you what extreme stress does first hand to a family.  My gums are so painful and bleeding right now because of stress.  I cannot go to the dentist and have the proper treatment because I cannot afford it.  I feel like a vice is squeezing my head 24/7.  I snap at my children who look at me in confusion as to why I am ripping their heads off.  I pop aspirin because of arm pain.  I watch serious guy deal with daily chest pain and once I start my job he will have a cardiac work up and we can see how his heart is doing.  He feels like he is having a heart attack daily.

I look at my car and think it will soon not be in the driveway.  Despite over 20 years of working I will likely be taking the bus to work.  The vehicle I took care of, kept the miles low and wanted to drive into the ground will be most likely taken soon……………

It is surreal to be sitting in this position but if I ever get back on my feet, it won’t happen again.  I have worked to hard to be in this place but here I sit.  I have common sense but I cannot figure my way out of this.  I don’t even care about myself, I care about my kids and the life they had and now the life they have.  I didn’t ever once think for a second that they would be worse off than I was as a child.

I pray every day.  I try to figure things out and I guess time will tell how this all pans out.  Right now its just too much to deal with.